Chris Nolan and Geek Boyfriends
Chris Nolan is the gossip columnist for the San Jose Mercury-News. I'm a regular reader of her column; it's informative, interesting and opinionated. Chris is a good read, I almost always learn something worthwhile in her column.In yesterday's column she said something that's worth responding to and discussing:
"There are some who believe that geeks make the best boyfriends because they can be easily trained. And there are some who believe that geeks make the worst boyfriends because they have to be trained."It's become fashionable for women to say things like this about men, but it's so demeaning, limiting, arrogant and unhappy. What happened to loving a man for who he is? What happened to respect and the Golden Rule?
It's common, you find someone attractive, and then try to change them to be something other than who they are. It's been proven over and over not to work. Why don't the women who indulge in this kind of male-bashing get this?
A question for women: Would you tolerate a man making such a statement about women?
A question for men: If you don't like this, why do you stay silent?
Another question for women: Now that you know that at least some men don't like to be talked about this way, will you stop doing it, and stop allowing other women to say things like this in your presence, without objecting?
What goes around comes around. Women want respect. You got it. Now we want your respect. We learned as children that two wrongs don't make a right. No doubt, some men are pigs with women. Does that make it right for women to be pigs with men? Is that a formula for happiness? Can we accept this kind of talk? What does it teach the next generation of men and women? What are we passing down?
I wrote a piece, last May, about Programmers which is a positive statement about technical people, regardless of their gender. I think programmers are seekers of truth, and can be the most loving and caring people you'll ever meet, if you just let us be ourselves.
Women, if you fall into Chris's Category A, read that piece, and learn to love the man, instead of thinking of him as a pet that you can or should want to train. You might actually find happiness and growth that way. I'm sure of this, Chris's formula will not get you either.
Dave Winer
May 1, 1998
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