News and commentary from the cross-platform scripting community.
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Mail Starting 9/23/97 | |
I lost my daughter in 1994. She was 5 weeks old, she was born with a heart defect, and she was my first born. We brought her home after she was born because we all thought she was OK. After a few weeks, she started to have problems breathing. After 2 weeks of therapy, test, and surgery, she died in my arms. Her mother brought her into this world in love, I felt I owed it to her to see her out of this world in love. I really learned about what it is to be a parent, and what we owe our children.
From: shawnc@connix.com (Shawn Callahan);
Sent at 9/23/97; 10:59:20 AM;
Re: I DoLike most first time parents, it was a shock when they hand you this kid and tell you to go home. "Where's the instruction manual?" You almost feel like "when are these people going to come and pick up their kid?" I had to make life and death decisions bout my daughter just as I getting used to being a parent. It really made me feel like a parent. I was the person signing the release. It was thrust upon my wife and I and we did our best. I owe my daughter so much. She made me a better parent for her little 2 year old brother and her yet unborn sibling due April 25th.
Believe me, I would rather be who I was and have my daughter, but that was not in the cards. I accept that. Accepting what fate has dealt me is the hardest thing to do. Parents have to accept their children. The part of your life where you are the central figure is over when you have kids. The lows are lower, but the highs are beyond infinity. What I lived through was learning about commitment. I often wonder if people "only knew" how precious their time is with their kids, or anyone.
I know my kids are a gift, my time with them limited, I choose to commit what time I have to them. When you give uncondtionaly to your loved ones, the payback is better than anything.
I'm sure I'm not the first to suggest this, but there should be a Davenet book someday.
From: phood@aimnet.com (Phil Hood);
Sent at 9/19/97; 10:56:34 AM;
Re:I DoI've been reading your stuff for a while, and I really enjoy it. Of course I can't say I have agreed with _everything_ you've ever said, but then I'm sure you wouldn't always agree with me either. ;) Above all, however, I think you are a positive, intelligent voice that is willing to take the time and effort to make itself heard, and I applaud you for your energy and goodwill.
From: tt035679@bcm.tmc.edu (Todd Tibbetts);
Sent at 9/18/97; 10:29:51 PM;
Re:I DoAnyway, the reason I decided to rise momentarily from the digital obscurity of med school and send you a note was to let you know that something like your vow exists for some people already. I am a Baptist from Houston, TX. Instead of "christening" a child, as is customary in the catholic religion, we Baptists have a ceromony known as "Parent Commitment Day." Essentially, when my son was born in May, we went before the church with him in our arms and publicly pledged exactly the sort of pledge you are suggesting, with the added promise to raise him in a Christian home. It was very important to us, and 18 members of our extended family flew/drove into town to be there for the big day and to have a celebratory dinner afterward.
I guess the upshot is that for my wife and me, God and family are powerful mediators of the goodwill, posititive energy, and personal responsibility that you often talk about. Chritianity often gets a bad rap (especially in scientific/technical circles, let me tell you!), but for many (and for me personally) it's a guidepost in a shifting world and an example to constantly compare myself to. The reason I so often enjoy reading your emails is that I see the core teachings of Christianity (at least in terms of how we should treat one another) permeating them, even if they are not labeled as such. This one in particular struck me so strongly that I just had to write you to give you my take on it and relate to you my family's experience.
I hope this didn't sound too preachy. Your newsletter always seems very personal and up-front, so I thought it was appropriate to respond in the same open tone (ie, I don't normally write to total strangers and tell them unbidden about my faith and religious practices!) Have a great time in Colorado (my brother lives there, the lucky dog!), and keep up the good work.
Here's one you missed - the last sentence of the Declaration of Independence.
From: drkible@pacbell.com (Daniel Kibler);
Sent at 9/18/97; 10:37:17 AM;
I DoAnd for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.
Ken:
From: dwiner@well.com (Dave Winer);
Sent at ;
Re:I DoA few other people said that too, but I disagree.
Choice is precious. You choose to respect your parents, that's cool.
You try to give that to your children, and it's meaningless.
At birth the child can't speak, so how can it take part in a set of vows?
Dave
While I agree with much of your article, the following statement jumped out at me:
From: kdow@maricopa.com (Ken Dow);
Sent at 9/18/97; 8:15:38 AM;
Re:I DoChildren owe their parents nothing other than being who they are. Parents owe children so much more -- protection, nurturing, feeding, support, encouragement.
I think this idea breaks a chain of mutual respect and obligation that is essential to a family and a society. Children, as they grow to understand what respect and obligation are, owe that to their parents as surely as parents owe it to them.
The elderly in our society are often ignored because we feel we don't owe them anything other than being who we are. Not true; in a sense, we owe them everything. As I've seen in a sig, "We see because we stand on the shoulders of giants".
there is a value in promising your children all that you promised in your missive. thanks for putting those values where they count.
From: attila@hun.org (Attila T. Hun);
Sent at 9/17/97; 5:54:29 PM;
Re:I Doalthough the blessing of a new born child in the Church of Jesus Christ (LDS) is technically a free form prayer under the guidance of the Holy Ghost, every prayer I have given (8 for each of my 5 children and 3 grandchildren) has included the components of your suggestion. Likewise, virually all of the blessings I have witnessed.
the points you make are items we _strongly_ believe are essential; we _still_ believe the family is the core of society.
a family whose parents are chasing the almighty dollar for that better life while the children are in day care, even some with evening baby sitters after day care, is not a "working" family.
of the approximately 100 families in our community, I know of less than 3 who do not have one parent home with the children at all times; and that includes families where one or more of the parents are technically inactive in the church. and we do not have small families: 7 families on my cul-de-sac and 35 children.
we may be criticized for many things, but we know where our children are, who they are with, and what they are doing. our daughters qualify to me married in the Temple (which is not _just_ a white wedding) and our sons give two years at age 19 to serve a mission.
we can not keep all our people active; and, it varies from ward to ward; but the majority raise strong families who have meals together, learn together, work together, play together, and pray together. it is not easy with modern schedules, but priorities are set and kept, and the family is number 1. and, our children grow up expecting to be able to raise strong families.
we educate _all_. it has been considered paramount since the founding of the church in 1830 that the women be educated as well as the men, in fact, it had been more, so the men could work the fields or business, and the wife could manage the enterprise. we also granted full suffrage from the inception, including political (until the Feds took it away as part of their military occupation of Utah for over 50 years).
there _really_ is a value in promising your children all that you promised in your missive.
In light of these issues, if you play song 1 on Sinead O'Connor's latest EP album "Gospel Oak" called "This is to Mother You", I suspect you may be moved to tears. I have been.
From: rshapiro@infoasis.com (Richard Shapiro);
Sent at 9/17/97; 8:18:18 PM;
Re:I Dohttp://www.music.sony.com/Music/ArtistInfo/SineadOConnor/Sounds/ThisIsToMotherYou.ram
http://www.music.sony.com/Music/ArtistInfo/SineadOConnor/Videos/ThisIsToMotherYou.mov
These clips don't really capture it--you'll have to give the real CD a listen to know what I mean.
When my wife and I married each other, we recited intentions for our marriage in lieu of vows. We found this distinction important to remove the guilt element and make room for our intentions to evolve as we grow with eachother. We didn't want our idealism to become a form of tyranny.
From: yourke@earthlink.net (Alex Yourke);
Sent at 9/17/97; 10:38:48 PM;
Re:I DoHere are the "Marriage Intentions" we read at the ceremony:
* We intend to honor the honesty and wisdom of our bodies and feelings.
* We intend to let our marriage bring to consciousness aspects of ourselves we have hitherto neglected or judged.
* We intend to keep our hearts open to one another in the midst of pain, confusion, hurt and guilt.
Since reading your post, it occurs to me that we could make similar declarations of intention to a child, if and when we become parents!
Thanks as always for writing from your heart.
Bob Dylan wrote a song called Forever Young for his son. Joan Baez sang it beautifully.
From: patmeier@patmeier.com (Pat Meier);
Sent at 9/17/97; 11:25:02 AM;
Re:I Do"May you build a ladder to the stars and climb on every rung. And may you stay forever young."
Parents should wish experiences--good ones and healing from any bad ones--on their children. Parents should not overprotect but should encourage their offspring to savor life fully. It is far too short as it is.
1. Regarding blessings and promises to children, I think its built into Judaism in the bris for the boy, and naming a girl in temple, which is becoming more popular in addition to a naming ceremony, which I have scripted for my daughters. But its always the spirit with which one says the blessings and the commitment one makes, rather than the words themselves.
From: cindy@solmn.com (Cindy Solomon);
Sent at 9/17/97; 11:05:59 AM;
Re:I Do2. Regarding parents being children themselves, I think all adults are children on different levels, the distinction is emotional maturity, which is something that is not taught anywhere, outside of integrating feedback from others in your life.
3. I'm printing out your blessings to children. May I share them with other parents? On Friday night, as part of the Shabbat kiddush, there is a blessing over children, but yours is more explicit.
A few days ago I picked up a bargain book at Barnes & Noble. I opened it casually, read a few pages, and my world started changing. New knowledge seared through my warm, trusting vision of the world, leaving it icy and barren in its wake. It is American Ground Zero, the fruit of a decade of difficult research by its writer, Carole Gallagher. It was originally published in hardcover by MIT Press, but I bought it in the subsequent softcover edition from Random house.
From: philslade@worldnet.att.net (Philippe Dambournet);
Sent at 9/17/97; 11:13:35 AM;
I Do -- but can you protect your own children?The eyes of the betrayed look out at you from its pages, and their voices quietly ring in the depths of your conscience. They have been robbed of their health, their lives, and their material possessions, lost to the fight against sickness. They have seen their children sicken and die. They have begotten sick, misshapen babies as the ewes in their ranges miscarried or had lambs with two heads or hearts outside their chests. I cannot begin to summarise the subdued horror in these pages. You need to read every word spoken by the victims and their survivors, you have to acquaint yourself with every diagnosis, you have to be made aware of every callous lie and murderous order by those who destroyed their lives.
They were nuclear test-site workers, soldiers, farmers, small-town dwellers, ranchers, or farmers. All told, they may number in the hundreds of thousands. They were poisoned, knowingly, deliberately, in cold blood, in over 130 atmospheric nuclear tests that each released more deadly and teratogenic radiation and isotopes than Chernobyl. And they have been denied nearly every avenue of redress by government agencies and the courts, after being told for years that they had nothing to fear from the tests.
If you have children or are thinking of having any, read this book. If your friends have children, give it to them. If you want them to live in a safe, free world, I urge you to read this book.
Unitarian Universalists ("UUs") also have a child dedication ceremony. Though these can vary greatly, the ceremony on the UU Church of Amherst's web page if probably typical:
From: gaulandm@mdhost.cse.tek.com (Mike Gauland);
Sent at 9/17/97; 11:07:44 AM;
I Dohttp://www.acsu.buffalo.edu/~mqt/childsvc.html
The whole ceremony is worth reading, but I found this snippet especially moving:
Our children come from us, but they are not ours. They are themselves, individuals...We declare that we will respect her as herself, and give her the freedom to grow. ...We, as, parents, and all of us as representatives of society, are responsible for the care and development of all children. It is our task to give them a world of peace and justice in which to grow. It is our task to share with them our ideals and our hopes.
Thanks for a thought-provoking DaveNet. We're planning a dedication ceremony for our adopted daughter in December (hopefully the legal risks will be gone by then, though it won't be final for another year), and your piece prompted me to search the net for ideas.
Such a ceremony may not be common between children and their biological parents, but there is something like it when adopting a child, at least in California.
From: jim.edlin@webmond.com (Jim Edlin);
Sent at 9/17/97; 11:08:52 AM;
Re:I DoOur son is adopted, and when the adoption was finalized in court (about a year after his birth) the judge asked my wife and then me, in ceremonial fashion, did we each commit to to care for, educate, and sustain our son, and from that time forward to observe all the rights and duties of the relation of parent and child. Of course we each answered responsively, "I do."
I was struck at that moment how resonant this was of our wedding ceremony. I had expected simply a dry legal proceeding, not an emotional ceremony, but I found myself weeping and filled with emotion at that moment. Afterward, I felt a sense of completeness to have made the declaration in such explicit, public, and formal a fashion.
Another very strong truth is that being a parent often brings out emotions one may not have felt in a long time. That little child still inside each of us can often bring back the pain we may have experienced.
From: markm@mail.tyrell.com (Mark F. Murphy);
Sent at 9/17/97; 10:42:58 AM;
Re:I DoSome parents don't know how to deal with these new emotions or even know where they are coming from and strike out at their children.
Parents must always be on guard and make sure that little child's fears inside us are met so the adult we have become can take care of both the child inside us and the child we have brought into the world.
It is our adult side that is responsible to give our children love and understanding. As my father told me sometime back (and the Beatles of course made into a song), all you need is love.
As the everyday challenges come before me... I always try to remember this (though being human I do fail).
Again, thank you for that writing.
Very powerful. I'm sending it to all my friends who have kids.
From: gd.pietrow@pti-us.com (Glenn Pietrow);
Sent at 9/17/97; 1:41:54 PM;
Re:I DoOOOOOH, I *Love* Crested Butte!!!! That is where I learned Telemark skiing. You ar very lucky. Never been there in the summer!
From: philippe@starfish.com (Philippe Kahn);
Sent at 9/17/97; 9:40:45 AM;
Re:I DoWe actually did something like that in two ways with each of our children.
From: macguy@themacintoshguy.com (macguy);
Sent at 9/17/97; 9:37:04 AM;
Re:I DoThe first way was in the names we gave them. Victoria Faith Frances Prentice is our 3 year old. The first part of her name means Victorious Faith. Our commitment to her is that we will do our best to raise her in a way that will lead her into Victorious faith. Our 2 year old son, Clayton Eric Elienai Prentice was given Elienai because it means "Toward God are my Eyes" Our commitment to him is to do our best to help him put and keep his eyes on God. Names are very important to us and I believe that a name should say something about the person.
The second way was in a baby dedication service through our church. The sole purpose is an opportunity to express our dedication to raising our children in a manner which is pleasing to Christ.
Powerful stuff, Dave. Way insightful. Thank you for reminding me to think outside operating systems nad API calls.
From: leoa@MICROSOFT.com (Leo Artalejo);
Sent at 9/17/97; 9:33:30 AM;
Re:I DoDave, that was an excellent message. Thank you!
From: clint@robotic.com (Clint Laskowski);
Sent at 9/17/97; 11:28:00 AM;
Re:I DoTake a look at my family: http://www.robotic.com/clint/.